AUTUMN 2003

I thought that as it is such a lovely, warm autumn day that I would share some photo`s that were taken last year at the beginning of October. It was a beautiful hot day and we decided to go to Dorney, a pretty village next to the River Thames. We took Hannah and had a lovely walk along the towpath and along by the lock which was very busy with boats enjoying what was to be the last of the sunshine after a very hot and dry summer. I especially liked the walk by the disused little church of St.Mary Magdelene. It had fallen into disrepair and was to be demolished until a organisation called `The Friends of Old Churches` bought it (I think) and started renovations on it. It is a Norman church dating back to William the Conquerer and hopefully when fully restored it will be used again for public services. 

The river that day was as flat as a sheet of glass and we had the most perfect day in the sunshine. On a day like that it`s almost like being in God`s own country, a heavenly afternoon that didn`t cost us a penny and gave us nothing but pleasure,peace and relaxation.

 

                       

WHAT CELEB`S THINK ABOUT SEX !

I couldn`t resist these   lol ......   

I`ve been taught ever since I was a kid that sex is filthy and forbidden, and that`s the way I think it should be. The filthier nad more forbidden it is, the more exciting it is.....

MEL BROOKS

There`s nothing wrong with making love with the light on, just make sure the door is closed......

GEORGE BURNS

Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.....

BILLY CRYSTAL

Personally I know nothing about sex because I`ve always been married.....

ZSA ZSA GABOR

I have tried various varieties of sex. The convential position makes me claustrophobic and the others give me a stiff neck or lockjaw.....

TALLULAH BANKHEAD

Theres nothing safe about sex, there never will be.....

NORMAN MAILER

                                               

     

HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY

I don`t know how I forgot to put the following in the journal because its a notable event I think. What happened was last Friday, daughter Kerry came over for a cup of tea and to take home my washing.   I opened the door to find her holding a laptop case that she had found outside my house. We opened it to find no laptop (what a surprise!) but it had quite a few floppy disks and CD-ROM. After further hunting through we found a few business cards. The case was soaking wet and they were only just readable. But anyway, Kerry gave the company a call and to our surprise we found it was stolen TWO MONTHS ago !  The company are chartered accountants and they said the disks would be very useful and that someone would come round to collect it.   Well, a man did turn up and he said he was so grateful to Kerry and he gave her a bottle of wine for being a good citizen and being honest.  It was a very nice thing to do but it got me thinking, is it really such a poor world that we live in and is it all that unusual to give back what is rightfully somebody`s property. I suppose we have given our children the grounding they need and the conscience to do the right thing by others, for that I can rest easy, but I do think its food for thought.  Would other people have just walked past and left it there.  Its like the young woman who was lying on a London Street and cars drive past and didn`t stop to help. The poor woman could have been seriously injured or worse. Thankfully she wasn`t even hit by a car, but the point is nobody knew that.  Anyway , Kerry said it made her day to do a good turn and that it made her feel good and at that moment I felt really proud of her. A small thing to some perhaps, but so much to me!

Well, have a good weekend and a HAPPY HALLOWEEN to all !

 

                                

 

                                                   

 

           

                                                                         

                                                                                    

                         

CELEBRITY QUOTES

EXPLAINATIONS OF FAMOUS PEOPLE

 

Between two evils, I always choose the one never tried before.....

Mae West

I believe in loyalty. When a woman reaches an age she likes, she should stick with it.....

Eva Gabor

Deep down, I`m pretty superficial.....

Ava Gardner

I must be the luckiest man in the world. Not only am I bisexual, I am also Welsh.....

John Osborne

I am a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.....

Zsa Zsa Gabor

It`s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.....

Muhammad Ali

I`m not an egomaniac like a lot of people say. But I am the world`s best dancer, that`s for sure.....

Michael Flatley

I am not a crook.....

Richard Nixon

I`m not smart enough to lie.....

Ronald Reagan

I believe I`m a better authority than anybody else in America on my own wife. I have never known a person with a stronger sense of right and wrong in my life - ever....

Bill Clinton

I don`t care what is written about me as long as it isn`t true.....

Katherine Hepburn

 

                                  

ST.PETERSBURG WEDDING

At last I have got some photos of Kerry and Slava`s wedding published. Having been unable to get them on the page itself I decided to leave it to the picture tool.  I have put five on here today and later will publish some of their wedding blessing here in England.  Their`s is a lovely story. They met 3years ago whilst working together on a cruise ship. Kerry was a singer there and Slava a dancer. Luckily though Slava is from St.Petersburg, Russia, he speaks excellent English which he learnt from working on the ship.  They lived rather a charmed lifs as do most of the performers on the ships, going from one port to another, until like Kerry, you just get bored with sailing around the world ! (really ??) Anyway they eventually decided to get married. The British authorities are suspicious of the Russians, but not as much as the Russian authorities are of us ! Slava wasn`t allowed here until he was married so they decided to get married there. Now kerry had to travel all over London to get date stamps and photocopies of documents just to prove to the Russians that she was who she said she was. When she had finally done that and that cost a small fortune, Slava had to organise things from his end. It had to be a wedding of compromise. Neither of his parents had ever left Russia and for that matter nobody else in his family had either. We had a wedding blessing to organise here for friends and family. It had to be a blessing because they would already be married and the law says you can`t marry the same person twice without being divorced !  So we decided not to go to Russia, it was a real wrench but the ceremony is not the same as here and Kerry was not given away. It was going to be a huge project here, so we needed all our hard earned cash for the church event.

So, September 10th 2003 they were married. The day was chosen because the eleventh is Kerry`s birthday and this way they could have a double celebration.  They married in the Wedding Palace in St.Petersburg. Our son Danny was there and a few close friends of Kerry`s. They all had a wonderful time and Kerry stayed for a month before coming home without Slava who was not allowed here until November. 

I will tell the rest of the story when I print some photos of the blessing another day.

In the last photo, Kerry and Slava are pictured with his parents Ivan and Nadia and our son Danny. The rest are taken in the grand old Wedding Palace, a very beautiful building which must have been home to some aristocratic family before the revolution.

 

STUPID QUESTIONS TO PONDER

These have to be the stupidest questions !

Did Noah keep his bees in archives ?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift ?

Do clowns wear really big socks ?

Do fish get thirsty ?

Do hummingbirds hum because they don`t know the words ?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world `up over` ?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery ?

Do Scottish terriers get Scotch Tape worms ?

Do steam rollers really roll steam ?

Do pilots take crash-courses ?

What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane ?

What happens when you get scared half to death,....twice ?

What happens when you swallow your pride ?

What if you`re in hell, and you`re mad at someone, where would you tell them to go ?      

 

 

JOKES AND QUOTES

QUOTES

Now suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress...But I repeat myself.

Mark Twain

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Oscar Wilde

I am desperately trying to find out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Dave Edison

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.  She`s 97 today and we don`t know where the hell she is.

Ellen DeGeneris

Have you ever noticed ...anybody going slower than you is an idiot. And anyone going faster is a maniac.

 

George Carlin

                                              

                                                       

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.

He asks the driver,"What`s up with the penguins in the back seat?"

The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what do do with them , but I haven`t had a clue."

The clerk ponders a bit then says,"You should take them to the zoo."

"Hey, that`s a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.

The next day the man in the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back of the car.

"Hey, they`re still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."

"Oh I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I`m taking them to the beach."

  

                                          

 

BITS AND PIECES

PUPPY TALES

To be as it were, a dog at all times.

William Shakespeare

Therefore to this dog will I,

Tenderly not scornfully,

Render praise and favour:

With my hand upon his head,

is my benediction said

Therefore and forever.

Elizabeth Barrett Browning

I`m only a dog --- Not much you say

But I have great sport, I play all day.

Grenville Kleiser

Recollect the Almighty, who

gave the dog to be a companion

of our pleasures and our toils,

hath invested him with a nature

noble and incaple of deceit.

Sir Walter Scott                                    

 

                                                                     

 

SHAKESPEAREAN INSULTS

 

You are not worth another word, else I`d call you Knave.

 

Why art thou then exasperate, thou idle immaterial skein of sleave-silk, thou green sarsenet flap for a sore eye, thou tassel of a prodigal`s purse, thou? Ah, how the world is pestered with such waterflies, diminutives of nature.

Thou whoreson zed, thou unnecessary letter.    

This woman`s an easy glove, my Lord, she goes off and on at pleasure.

False of Heart, light of Ear, bloody handed, Hog in sloth, Fox in stealth, Wolf in greediness, Dog in madness, Lion in prey.

I would thou didst itch from head to foot and I had the scratching of thee; I would make thee the loathsomest scab in Greece.

                                              

                                                   

 

 

                                  

                                                                          

      T.V. Trouble !

If I chased a toilet roll across the bathroom floor

And if I grabbed the end of it and dragged it through the door

Then pulled it across the landing, and tumbled down the stairs

Then shot across the hallway, bumping into chairs

Wrapping Andrex tissue over everything I see

What would my Mum make of it - would she say clever me ?

If I waddled through rivers covered in heaps of mud

To find my way to a tin of Pal, would she still think I was good ?

 

I find it oh! so easy to get into her bad books. I know,

Cause I get glowers and stares and disapproving looks

The bathroom is always out of bounds, the loo roll stays intact

And I can only see the hills from the window, and thats a fact.

 

But just sit and watch the T.V. screen and listen to Mum then

The "oohs" and "aahs" and "Arent they cute?"

Drive me round the flipping bend

How do they get away with it, those dogs on T.V.?

They don`t get into trouble like me.

But then - they`re stars, you see.

Grace Clark, Glasgow.                    

 

 

 

CAKE AND MISCELLANY

PROVERBIALLY, YOU CAN`T

...have it both ways

...have your cake and eat it

...get blood out of a stone

...make an omellette without breaking eggs

...make a silk purse out of a sow`s ear

...teach an old dog new tricks

...tell a book by its cover

...shake hands with a clenched fist

...have a rainbow without rain

...pick up two melons with one hand

...fool all of the people all of the time

...sip soup with a knife

...catch a cub without going into the tiger`s den

                                         ***********

PATRON SAINTS

Barbers.........................................St.Louis

Artists & creatives.......................St.Luke

Cobblers.........................................St.Crispin

Florists...........................................St.Dorothea

Editors............................................St.John Bosco

Sculpters.........................................St.Claude

Tailors............................................St.Homobonus

Wine growers.................................St.Joseph

Pin makers......................................St.Sebastian

Lighthouse keepers........................St.Venerius

Bee keepers....................................St.Ambrose

Gravediggers...................................St.Anthony

Bakers..............................................St.Honoratus

Domestic servants...........................St.Zita

Tax collectors...................................St.Matthew

Broadcasters....................................St.Gabriel

Horses...............................................St.Giles

Dairymaids........................................St.Brigid

Taxi-drivers.......................................St.Fiacre

Singers...............................................St.Cecilia

Children..............................................St.Nicholas

Miners................................................St.Barbara

Syphilitics............................................St.George

Invalids...............................................St.Roche

courtesy of SCHOTT`S ORIGINAL MISCELLANY.

 

`There is hardly a single person in the House of Commons worth painting, though many of them would be the better for a little whitewashing`

OSCAR WILDE....

                                                

P.S.  My cake at last (above) !        

A BIT OF THIS AND THAT

OSCAR WILDE on WOMEN

I don`t believe in women who think too much.Women should think in moderation, as they should do all things in moderation.

No woman is a genius. Women are a decorative sex. They never have anything to say, but they say it charmingly.

No woman should have a memory. Memory in a woman is the beginnning of dowdiness.

Plain women are always jealous of their husbands, beautiful women never are; they have no time, they are always occupied in being jealous of other people`s husbands.

FAMOUS CAT AND DOG OWNERS

CATS

` I have had cats whom I liked better than this....but he is a very fine cat`

Samuel Johnson.............Hodge

Edward Lear..................Foss

The Kennedys................Tom Kitten

Charles De Gaulle...........Gris Gris

Cardinal Richelieu...........Perruque

Downing Street..............Humphrey

John Lennon..................Elvis

Churchill.......................Margate,Jock

Alice............................Dinah

Mark Twain...................Beelzebub

T.S Eliot.......................George Pushdragon

Nicholas 1....................Vashka

 

DOGS

`Histories are more full of the examples of the fidelity of dogs than of friends`

 

Alexander Pope..............Bounce

Lord Byron....................Boatswain

Isaac Newton.................Diamond

Bill Clinton....................Buddy

Christopher Marlowe.......Bungey

Hogarth.......................Trump

The Queen...................Susan

Jules Verne..................Satellite

Sputnik 11...................Laika

Martin Crane................Eddie

Peter Mandelson...........Bobby

 

                           

EATING MY CAKE AND HAVING IT ALL

Happy Sunday Folks!  Well I made my Chocolate Guinness cake as I said I would and now I`m going to show off like mad!   It has to be the best cake I have ever made. I know because I`ve been eating it.....a lot. I think perhaps I`ve put on a stone since yesterday.  Well probably not, but with the calorie-laden ingredients that went into it I wouldn`t be surprised if I`m about to!  Jim took a couple of piccis of it and it looks just like the one Nigella made!  Kerry and Slava came round especially to try out the cake. These are the comments it recieved :

Ummmm....very nice, very nice !  Slava, well he`s Russian and that is a compliment coming from him.

`That`s really nice, like one of those cordon bleu cake thingys........you know, gateau, . Why can`t I make cakes like this.....the toppings a bit sickly though`

Kerry, who never, ever gives compliments. So that is praise indeed.

`That is definetely the best cake you have ever made ( as he tucks into his third slice) what are you doing for tea tonight ?`

Jim, bless him, he does love his food!

As for Danny , I haven`t heard from him for a couple of days but Kerry saw him last night so I sent him a big slice to show how much his mum loves him!  I was going to publish the pic of my boootiful cake but I`m having problems with publishing my pics on my journal at the moment.  Its been a lovely warm Autumn day with more than a hint of the sun shining through.  Jimhas fixed the roof tile temporarily and that should see us ok till we find the man who can fix the tile permanently. I`m using Kerry`s washing machine and all seems well with the world, in fact I`ll just go and have another piece of cake.............

THE SEASONS

Whi in the Spring walks with me,breathing in the soft sweet air?

Sits beneath a leafy bough and listens to the cookoo`s call?

Who indeed but a loyal friend - someone who is always there,

In attune with my every mood,

My dog.

 

In Summer too when days are long and hot,

We find a quiet shady spot and lazily wait for evening to fall,

To stroll along a sandy beach, with lapping waves just out of reach

At peace with the world and each other,

Me and my dog.

 

Autumn comes and with it brings

An icy chill o`er moor and glen.

Trees stand stark their leaves all shed

It seems we are the only ones to venture out,

Wrapped up against the wind and fog,

Me and my dog.

 

A crisp and frosty Winter`s day,

As through the woods we briskly walk.

A robin calls his merry tune and through the trees a deer we stalk.

Chasing after this and that until my whistle calls him to heel.

We both turn and head for home,

Me and my dog.

Patricia Monger, Newbury.             

        

 

                              

                              

 

OAP

They`d done the swings and fed the ducks, and he was getting tired.

`Grandad, what`s an OAP?` the little girl enquired.

`Well dear, its someone who remembers a long, long time ago,

`When life was very different and the pace was rather slow.

 

` The baker came with his horse and van, the milkman pushed his float,

`The coalman had his horse and cart and leather hat and coat.

`The onion man from France would always push his bike,

`But "Wallsie" with his ices would pedal on his trike.

 

`We paid for goods with shillings and pence, or sometimes a note for a pound,

`A penny would buy a sticky bun or a ride on a merry go round.

`Even a farthing was worth a lot, it would get a liquorice strip,

`And a fiver would take a man and his wife for a holiday trip.

 

`No ordinary folk had motor cars, most travelled on a train,

`Or on a noisy tramcarwith no roof to stop the rain.

The drivers and conductors all wore uniforms and ties,

`There were porters on the stations and meat in railway pies.

`Some things you take for granted, hadn`t been invented,

`Like Sellotape, and ballpoint pens and aerosols all scented.

`Our toilet was outside the house without electric light,

`And the kitchen was our bathroom - every Friday night.

 

`We didn`t have computers then, or craft in outer space,

`The microchips we wanted came with our cod or plaice.

`We didn`t have fish fingers or beer that was all froth,

`We had some lovely "spotted dick"

Mum cooked in hert best cloth!

 

`Mum never had a washing machine, she always had to cope

`With our clothes in the sink with a rub and scrub with a bar of Fairy soap.

`To dry she had the washing line or a clothes horse round the fire,

`She never had the luxury of a hot-air tumble drier.

 

`We had no television or, nor radio cassettes,

`No video recorders, and no big jumbo jets.

`We used to have the wireless, as the radio was known,

`And played one-sided records on a wind-up gramophone.

 

`Policemen used to walk the streets, and no one went in fear.

`But if a child should pinch a fruit, he`d get a clip about his ear.

`No lager louts or ticket touts, no muggers prowled the town,

`But if a burglar robbed a house the judge would send him down.

 

`You see, my dear`, the old man said, `we didn`t have a lot`,

`We had to work long hours for the wages that we got,

`But what we had and what we have is worth a pot of gold,

`It`s all the happy memories to remind us that we`re old`.

Brian Smith, Huntingdon, Cambridgeshire.

COURTESY of the DAILY MAIL

                                                                       

 

WHAT A WEEK!

Oh , and what a week! We have been trying to solve the problem as to why we have water coming through the wall in one of our bedrooms. We have had it replastered last year as we thought as it was very badly cracked, that must have been the cause of the wet wall.....no it wasnt!  So Jim, bless him, went up the tall ladder to the roof and cleared out the gutters to see if that did the trick..... nope! So after then treating the wall with an expensive compund for porous bricks, still to no avail, up he went into the loft and lo and behold there it was....a broken tile just above the where the wall is wet.  Now at least we know where the water is coming from. We do know someone that can fix it for us so at last we can relax having solved the mystery.

Yesterday, I got up early because an engineer was coming to repair my washing machine. Noisy spin cycle , no problem, 10 minute job or so I thought.  Wrong again, not only did he not arrive just after 9am as promised but closer to 2pm but after putting the machine through its paces he looked at me and shook his head and declared that it was going to be a big job. A the parts needed, (new bearings, motor etc) had to be ordered and would take at least 7 days to arrive! On top of that it would take an engineer 2 1/2 hours to do it.  So I am left with a basket full of washing and no machine to wash it in. So its either the Launderette or daughter Kerry`s machine. Theres no contest, the launderette is expensive and Kerry lives local and is free so Kerrys it will be ! All I have to do is tell her, sorry ASK her if I can do my washing at her place! Anyway everyone have a great weekend as I certainly plan to as long as nothing else goes wrong !

 

 

PUPPY LOVE

WHO

 

Who chewed the slippers and then the library book?

Who chewed the childrens satchels and the meat I was about to cook?

Who is it that sits in the middle of the dining table, 

          Little caring for its designer label?

Who climbed the garden wall and stayed out all night long?

You might guess the answer and I know you wouldn`t be wrong.

But who was that that laid so still and quiet,

Whilst the children used her as a pillow all the night?

And rested her head so elegantly on an old mans lap,

On which he laid his hands whilst he had a little nap.

And who will it be when it comes to her end,

Takes a bit of my heart - my dog - my best friend.

                           *    *    *    *    *    *    *

    

    

 

OVER FIFTY AND COUNTING !

"Fifty is the time to get up and go - before anything else does"

                                           * * * *

"You`re never too old to become younger"

                                          * * * *

"You can`t turn back the clock. But you can wind it up again"

                                          * * * *

" At middle age you suddenly become appalled by the way modern mirrors distort the reflection".

                                          * * * *

Youre definetely over 50...

"....when your toenails are further off than they used to be".

                                                   ***

"....when comfort triumphs at last over fashion".

                                                   ***

"....when you need to have a rest after tying your shoelaces".

                                                    ***

 

"....when keeping your hair on means wearing a toupee".

                                                    ***

 

"....when you daren`t stop on a busy street in case some do-gooder wants to help you across the road."

                                                     ***

"....when your clothes no longer fit, and its you who need the alterations."

                                                     ***

"`After thirty-five years of marriage Sam`s wife died. At the end of a proper mourning period, Sam looked at himself and said, ` Life is not over. I can go out and have some fun and perhaps meet a nice younger woman and - who knows what?` Over an eighteen month period Sam joined a gym to tone up, lost forty pounds, bought a toupee, had all his teeth capped, got a nose job, had a little tuck taken in his chin, grew a moustache, got contact lenses and bought a new youth-orientated wardrobe. Finally one day he was ready to step out - he loved what he saw in the mirror. Unfortuately, that night Sam died and went to heaven, whereupon he met God. `God`, said Sam, ` I was a kind and loving husband, a wonderful father and grandfather, a charitable person, and honest and hardworking in my business. I was about to start a new life. Why did you do this?` `Sam`, replied God, `to tell you the truth, I didn`t recognise you`,"

courtesy of Fred Shoenberg,

from MIDDLE AGE RAGE AND OTHER MALE INDIGNITIES

CHOCOLATE GUINNESS CAKE.......Yummy!

I found this recipe in a Sunday supplement and I have torn it out as I intend to use it this weekend.  I thought other might want to try it to as it looks scrummy!

CHOCOLATE GUINNESS CAKE

makes about 12 SLICES

For the cake

250ml of Guinness

250g  unsalted butter

75g cocoa

400g caster sugar

1 x 142ml pot sour cream

2 eggs

1 tablespoon vanilla extract

275g plain flour

2 1/2 teaspoons bicarbonate of soda

FOR THE TOPPING

300g Philadelphia cream cheese

150g icing sugar

125ml double or whipping cream

 

PREHEAT THE OVEN to gas mark 4/180c, and butter and line a springform tin.

POUR THE GUINNESS into a large wide saucepan, add the butter - in spoons or slices - and heat until the butter`s melted, at which time you should whisk in the cocoa and sugar. Beat the sour cream with the eggs and vanilla and then pour into the brown, buttery, beery pan and finally whisk in the flour and bicarb.

POUR THE CAKE BATTER into the greased and lined tin and bake for 45-60 minutes. Leave to cool completely in the tin on a cooling rack, as it is quite a damp cake.

WHEN THE CAKE`S COLD, sit it on a flat platter or cake stand and get on with the topping. Lightly whip the cream cheese until smooth, sieve over the icing sugar and then beat them both together. Or do this in a processor, putting the unsieved icing sugar in first and blitzing to remove lumps before adding the cheese.

ADD THE CREAM and beat again until it makes a spreadable consistency. Ice the top of the black cake so that it resembles the frothy top of the famous pint.

courtesy of Nigella Lawson

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A LITTLE BIT OF VERSE

by Indie

 

by Indie

SIREN SONG

I phoned from time to time, to see if she`s

changed the music on her answerphone.

`Tell me in two words`, goes the recording,

`what you were going to tell in a thousand`.

 

I peer into that thought, like peering out

to sea at night, hearing, hearing the sound of waves

breaking on rocks, knowing she is there,

listening, waiting for me to speak.

 

Once in a while she`ll pick up the phone

and her voice sings to me out of the past.

The hair on the back of my neck stands up

as I catch her smell for a second.

Hugo Williams

 

 

MISCELLANY

CAKE

I WANTED ONE LIFE

YOU WANTED ANOTHER

WE COULDN`T HAVE OUR CAKE

SO WE ATE EACH OTHER.

Roger McGough

            SOME COCKNEY RHYMING SLANG

 

ADAM AND EVE...................BELIEVE

APPLES AND PEARS.............STAIRS

BARNET FAIR .......................HAIR

BAKERS DOZEN....................COUSIN

BOAT RACE.............................FACE

BOB HOPE ...............................SOAP

RUB A DUB..............................PUB

BROWN BREAD......................DEAD

WHISTLE AND FLUTE............SUIT

MUTTON AND JEFF................DEAF

PEN AND INK.............................STINK

LEE MARVIN...............................STARVING

PLATES OF MEAT.........................FEET

PORKY PIES.....................................LIES

RUBY MURRAY...............................CURRY

SYRUP OF FIGS..................................WIG

SALMON AND TROUT......................SNOUT

NORTH AND SOUTH..........................MOUTH

SKIN AND BLISTER...........................SISTER

JAM JAR...............................................CAR

CHINA PLATE......................................MATE

TIT FOR TAT (TITFER).......................HAT

TEA LEAF...............................................THIEF

TOM AND DICK....................................SICK

TOM-FOOLERY....................................JEWELLERY

TROUBLE AND STRIFE........................WIFE

FROG AND TOAD..................................ROAD

BRAHMS AND LISZT.............................PISSED

BREAD AND HONEY...............................MONEY

BRASS TACKS............................................FACTS         

 

 

      

THE APE AT THE END OF THE PHONE

     This is a poem I found by James Fenton and and John Fuller. Its all about emotional system errors so I thought I`d share it with you.

THE APE AT THE END OF THE PHONE

I tried to send my love to you

By electronic mail.

They returned my Prestel Smoochagram:

Why do I always fail?

I want to blow a kiss to you

But I find my cover`s blown.

I`m worse that hit-or-miss to you.

I`m the Ape at the End of the Phone.

 

They handed me an Apple.

It yielded twenty bytes

And yet I went bananas

When I had you in my sights.

An Apricot was thrust at me

But it only made me groan.

I never thought you trusted me.

I`m the Ape at the End of the Phone.

 

I lifted the reciever;

There was nothing to recieve.

I`m the original Old Adam

An you`re the original Eve.

I`m Joseph and you`re Mary

And yet I feel alone.

Is it because I`m hairy?

I`m the Ape at the End of the Phone.

 

I thought that my insistence

Would charm the operator,

But when I order `Long Distance!`

She tells me to ring back later.

I`ve tried the gentlest murmer.

I`ve used a megaphone.

Its a Birmingham number, not Burma.

I`m going Ape at the End of the Phone.