FUNNY QUOTES

 

I like to wake up each morning feeling a new man.

Jean Harlow

 

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

Douglas Adams

 

I married the first man I ever kissed.  When I tell this to my children, they just about throw up.

Barbara Bush

 

I never forget a face, but in your case I`ll be glad to make an exception.

Groucho Marx

 

I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn`t explain afterwards.

Rudyard Kipling

 

I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.

Marie Corelli

 

I once heard two ladies going on about the pains of childbirth and how men don`t seem to know what real pain is.  I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Emo Philips

 

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time.  Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead.  I was afraid to bet.

Henry Youngman

 

If you work on a lobster boat,  sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast.

Jack Handley

 

If you`ve got them by the balls,  their hearts and minds will follow.

John Wayne

 

If your parents never had children , chances are you won`t either.

Dick Cavett

 

In our school you were searched for knives and guns on the way in and if you didn`t have any, they gave you some.

Emo Philips

 

In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was pro da.  Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you : Turn back at once to Channel One.

Yakov Smirnoff

 

In the first place God made idiots; that was for practice ;  then he made school boards.

Mark Twain