A late entry for me today but at least I made it. I`ve been trying to post a particular entry for the last few years and today after cancelling it half way through I`ve realised that I never will now.
Let me explain. After my mother died almost three years ago I at last had the peace I`d sought after many years of a kind of torment. After she left home when I was 12 we had little contact and the times we did meet were full of friction. About five years again I visited her and her fourth husband ( my dad was number one) in Spain where she emigrated too with her third. It was that complicated. But I digress, Jim and I visited and I hoped against hope that I would realise that I did love her after all....it was a complete disaster and when she hugged me I froze and realised that a mother`s love had eluded me forever....then she died and I cried for what might have been to be a loving daughter to a mother who loved me in return.
That paragraph summed up my life until I had "closure" three years ago. Now all I feel is compassion mixed with pity for a woman who in her own words had "no maternal instinct" and really didn`t even know me. Once a year on Mother`s Day I visit the local crematorium and leave some roses. I don`t take a card, just the flowers as I know that the gesture is enough. I choose that day because I never sent her a card in life, it would have been hypocritical. I have tried many times to put into words why we had no relationship but each time I try is just gets muddled and makes no sense so I just won`t try again. I decided that enough is enough and I don`t think I need to talk about it in detail anymore apart from saying that no, deep down I didn`t love her, just the thought of the mother she might have been if she wanted. I hope this makes sense.
On a much happier note, my own family were all here yesterday. Kerry and Slava stayed here Saturday night because they were going out with friends, Jim and I had the task of babysitting Roman which was great fun as usual. On Sunday morning, we all with the exception of Jim who was working, went into Windsor for a walk around the town and along the river. Slava bought Kerry and I a hot chocolate in Costa`s with whipped cream and marshmallow in top....it was scrummy! Later on I cooked a roast chicken dinner and Danny arrived just in time to eat it, though he didn`t stay too long...I think there is a woman on the scene but he`s not saying at the moment.
I didn`t have to get up early for work today as I`m on holiday....yay! Instead I got up an hour later and still ended up working all morning at home! I did a huge pile of ironing, did some more washing and took advantage of a blustery day to dry it all on the line. I have to make sure the house in tip top shape because I`m going to Kerry`s on Wednesday morning until Saturday night and I don`t want to leave the house messy to come back to. Jim will join me after finishing work on Thursday and he plans to go fishing all day Friday. He`s already found a lake near to Kerry where there are good facillities and he can`t wait to go there...oh well, once a fisherman, always a fisherman.
Kerry and I of course, have much better things to do. Shopping in Reading on Thurday and the rest of the time will be taken up with Roman`s activities which I love to take part in. Jim is very welcome to his fishing lake....lol! Also it will be nice not to be doing any housework or cooking for a few days and of course I love the area where they live, it has made me realise that moving to Kent may not be such a good idea as I`d thought, I don`t want to move to far away from my family. Jim and I are going to have to talk long and hard about this little matter.
Anyway, I have read most of the journal alerts that I`ve had today, very good for me as I`ve been quite lazy of late and not been commenting as much as I`d really like. I hope you`ve all had a lovely day, take care. :o)
24 comments:
Sandra, Thank you so much for tonights journal. I do hope that by writing everything down you will be able to put the past where it should stay. I suppose there are some women who are totally non-maternal it is such a pity for them as they miss so very much.
Have a lovely few days at Kerry's. I too am of in the morning to Scotland for a few days will be back Sunday. Love Sybil x
As usual a very good entry.Yes i think it makes some sort of sense.been hard for you.You and Jim had a great time by the sounds of it on sat night.I bet you spoil that little chap sumat rotten lol.my mother used to spoil my niece like crazy when she was growing up.HeHe the dreaded ironing eh lol.most women hate it i know my missus does lol.hope you have a good time at Kerrys when you go.I dont blame going fishing if its a new spot for him.Take care and all the best with everything.keep up the good work xxx
A very brave entry Sandra ,your poor Mum ,what she missed ?but you dont take after her, You love your kids and are not afraid to show it ,and in return you are loved ,You have passed your maternal talents to Kerry ,Bless you Sandra ...love Jan xx
Well done for putting into words the difficulty you had with your mum, I am very sorry to hear such a sad story.
Yes it makes complete sense to me.
Jenny <><
I am so sorry Sandra that you didn't know a Mother's love. She just didn't know what she was missing. You have shown your love to your two children and to Roman. That is the best thing to do if you are able to do so is let the past go. I hope you have a great vist with Kerry and family and hope that Jim has a great time fishing. Hugs, Helen
Hi Sandra,
I'm so sorry to hear of your strained relationship with your mother. What a shame that you didn't know a mother's love first hand. Obviously, you do have the maternal instinct because you have shown it to your own kids, and your grandchild. That's the best legacy you can leave, in my opinion. You have overcome a lot to become the person you are, and you've been able to provide that love to your family that you were denied.
I hope you have a wonderful time at Kerry's house. Enjoy Roman. Good luck to Jim fishing. I hope he's lucky and catches a few good ones.
Hugs..Pam
I think that is a very difficult thing to write about, but you did it very well. You cannot always index, cross reference & organize thinking in a way to write about something like that, to fully tell it, or to even understand it all yourself at times. ~Mary
i never knew that about your mom.....let me tell you how proud i am of you.....though you were denied a basic thing such as her love, look at how wonderful a mom you are!!! You have so much love and compassion inside of you.....i also would feel pity for her...i feel the same way for my mom.
I just know you will have lots of fun at Kerry's! Take pics!
LOVE YOU
lisa
(((((Sandra))))))) ....on mothers day. I think I read that it was mother's day there in your country. Not til May here.
Glad you had great fun with the family and glad you had a good holiday day.
Have a good week.
Sonya
That had to be tough to write about but, it certainly opened my eyes to my friends situation. I remember wondering WHY she was crying so hard when her mom died as she had a very turbulant relationship - to the point it was abusive. Your entry gave me that bit of eye opening ... awww moments.
I'm glad you and your family had an enjoyable time.
Monica
Your entry is so touching. I'm glad you have found peace about your Mom. The blessing in all of this is that you have the wonderful relationship you do with your own children. What a blessing you are to them and they to you.
When you write about your family, the love you feel for them comes through loud and clear!!
Hugs, Kathy
The positive out of the whole ordeal with your mother is that it probably made you a much better Mother. Enjoy your week off! ~~Kath~~
Sandra I was so sad to read about your Mum she missed so much in her life not returning or giving you her love ~ but you are completely different as you have so much Love for your own children and Grandson Roman ~ it shines through in every one of your entries ~ Enjoy your holiday and your stay with Kerry ~ Ally x
I was sad to read about the relationship you had with your mum. Always remember that this was not a fault within yourself but within your mum and so you would have no power over it whatsoever and look what a wonderful mum you turned out to be to your two children and that was without her guiding hand and example. You deserve to be happy and content in the love you give and receive from your own wonderful family, look forward - that's all that matters now. Have a lovely weekend at Kerry's. Eileenx
i totally understand what youa re saying about your Mum...
enjoy your week..do something fun for you mrs..not just housework!
hugs
Lyn
I always feel bad for women who never had a real bond with their moms. I'm sorry. Enjoy your week.
Missie
I think one of the most difficult struggles a child can have, is realising that it isn't their fault, or their obligation to repair "what might have been". Hugs to you, Sandra...I understand this. Somewhere in my early twenties (largely from the help of a wonderful elder), I adopted the mindset that I can only "live like I want my life to be". I want a close family connection...I do that for me. Everyone else has their own agenda...I can live happily with that because, in there...I am working on the bond that I need, and behaving respectfully (as you do)...which I also need. Kudos to you and your heart. ;) C.
You have come through some very difficult years and emerged a strong woman and a lovely mother. Because of it or in spite of it I don't know but admitting that you did not love somebody when you have spent years believing you ought to - that takes some guts Sandra. You should be proud of yourself. Love and great respect to you.
Angie, xx
Hi Sandra by writing this down it may now help you ,how sad your Mum couldn't show her love for you ,you are so different ,such a loving caring Mum to your children and little Roman .Hope you enjoy your shopping trip with Kerry and Jim enjoys his fishing and your stay at Kerrys,have fun with Roman ,I know you will .......love Jeanxx
Sandra sorry to read about the relationship with your mum, but I can understand it!! That is how I feel about my dad half the time. Glad you had a good day otherwise though and you've got your trip to Kerry's to look forward to :o)
Jenny
http://journals.aol.co.uk/Jmoqueen/MyLife
I never knew that about your Mum Sandra.But what really stands out is that your Mum had such a beautiful daughter. . you tell this without bitterness and I think it says such a lot about you that you take flowers on Mothers Day.Its such a shame that your Mum never really knew you. . she has missed out on so much.I hope she has found peace now. And I cant help thinking that in some other world she knows just how wonderful her daughter is. . and is very proud of you.
(((((((((((((((((HUGSOYOU)))))))))))))))Have a good week ahead.
Love is not automatic .
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