Instructions to Self

 

 

                                  

 

 

Dear Self,

 

I`ve issued this set of instructions that should be implemented in the New Year. They are not resolutions because I`m not giving you a choice in the matter.

 

1)  You will cease to be a hoarder. All things that you`ve saved `just in case you need them` can be sorted again and the majority can be thrown away. This will be a long, tiring task and you can if you wish enlist the help of others ie: Jim, Kerry, Slava...erm Roman (perhaps not Roman) and just about anyone who is able bodied enough to carry all the old junk...I mean collectables out of the house. You may then need the sevices of a removal van.

 

2) You will not buy any more jumpers, tops, cardigans, sweatshirts in beige or fawn. I know the colour suits you but for pity`s sake, how many do you need? You don`t wear half of them so they can be bagged up and taken to a charity shop. While carrying out this instruction you might as well go through the rest of your clothes......and your shoes too, some of them haven`t seen the light of day since the 80`s.

 

3) You will stop spending your money on plants. Do you really need another orchid? Erm....ok then orchids are fine but you don`t need anymore pots, shrubs, garden ornaments, hanging baskets etc. Your garden centre is rich enough without you contributing your hard earned, but very low wages to them.

 

4) You must stop eating so much. I know you don`t put weight on easily but you should be careful at your age. It can`t be good for you. Chocolate can be eaten once a week but in very small quantities. Cakes once a week also and no more mince pies after Christmas, even if Tesco is selling them at half price.

 

5) This is a request rather than an instruction. It would be good for you to get off the computer and get a life. I can only hope you see the error of your ways before you become part of the chair you are sitting on at this moment.

 

6) You will stop looking in the mirror in the hope that the image that confronts you is someone else. It isn`t. It`s you and you will only get worse. Get used to it and move on.

 

7) You will try to stop telling anyone who will listen how wonderful, handsome, clever, loving, gorgeous, cuddly your grandson Roman is.  Only joking, I know when something is impossible.

 

8) You will stop giving Jake bits of cheese or ham. Have you noticed his waistline lately? The vet will not be happy.

 

9) You will tidy the computer room ( it`s starting to resemble a junk shop) and throw away anything that isn`t used by either Jim or yourself....including the old monitor, you`ll never use it again.

 

10) Get rid of Jim`s collection of fishing magazines, they take up too much room. Just don`t tell him.

 

11) For goodness sake, clean your car...it`s filthy, you can hardly tell what colour it is. Then do it again every month without fail.

 

12) You will fill in the new pages of your address book. Jim bought them for you two years ago and they are still in the packet. Open it and write on them p-l-e-a-s-e! When you done it throw away the scraps of paper with the new addesses on them.

 

13) You will be more tolerant of Jim`s fanaticism.....I mean obsession with recycling. Yes I know he does go on a wee bit but it IS for the sake of the environment...and to save being fined by the local authorities.

 

I think these are enough to be going on with but rest assured if these are not carried out, action will be taken.

 

Yours Faithfully

 

Sandra Scribbles

 

 

 

 

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